I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
