I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
