All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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