I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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