My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
