I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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