i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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