I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
