Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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