Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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