Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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