I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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