Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
