Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
