there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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