he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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