She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize