I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
