went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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