just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
