So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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