Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
