I'm so fucking centered right now
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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