So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
