Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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