I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm both gender and math confused
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
