I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize