I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
