Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
