Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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