I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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