I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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