I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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