Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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