Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
