life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
This house was built for laser tag.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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