the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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