i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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