Got a toothbrush?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
