I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
