You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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