Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
