Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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