Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love you. Go after that dick
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
