I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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