haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
