hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
