What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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