ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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