My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
