11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
