Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
