can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
