You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
