I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
