theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
