the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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